My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
