in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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