A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
