When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
