I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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