Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
