update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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