I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
