i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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