And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
