We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
