Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
