He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
