Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
