oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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