he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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