Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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