Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
