my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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