i need an iv and a liver transplant
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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