What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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