ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
