Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
