Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
