she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize