The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
now i know why i became what i already was.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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