Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
