You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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