So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
