Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
