Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
