on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
