I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
