Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
