Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
