Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Pants are for mortals
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
