At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
