Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
