dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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