I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
