He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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