Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
