i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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