I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
