i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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