And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize