Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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