It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
