We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize