im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
