i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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