i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
