Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
