when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
