I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
