i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
